Another of life's questions....

Trying too hard or not trying hard enough is the question that I have been asking myself a lot lately. 

My surroundings are still pretty new to me and not having many friends where I live has been hard. 

Life is weird, especially when you have an over developed sense of responsibility and are a people pleaser with a strong personality. I know that sounds really complicated, and it is. Then, shit gets real and you stop worrying about what others think about you and focus on yourself and your family. And when that feels really good, I feel guilty for it. How do you find a happy balance with that kind of thing? Or do you?

A few months ago one of my girlfriends lost her battle with cancer, she was the same age as me and one of the few people that I have met here that I can relate to. We had a lot of the same personality traits and would joke that we were sisters from another mister. I have survivors guilt about her passing, I think about her every day and I miss her tremendously.

One of the questions that is always in the front of my mind is am I trying too hard or not hard enough? I think that question can be asked about many aspects of life, friends, family, my job and my art. A few weeks ago I read an blog entry by another jewelry artist and they were talking about their artistic expression and how they got there. How they were able to look at their past work and decide that it was time to move on and try something different and what that looked like for them. I often think about how you reach the goals you set for yourself and look back to finally see that you have achieved them and you are who you wanted to be only to then decide that you now want to be someone else. I think it's fear. Fear prevents you from giving yourself permission. I can only imagine what I could accomplish without fear, which is really weird, since I have such a strong personality and appear to have my shit together. But that's only what other people see, a projection I suppose, but maybe that's also an incorrect observation on my part? I'll never know, and right now, that's alright. 

Tomorrow may be a different story though.